i'm feeling inspired to keep things real around here, because i hate when everything gets sugar-coated and pleasantries are exchanged and the real meat of life is ignored. this is my blog and this i how i feel. rational or not. i feel like things are difficult lately. i'm feeling like i'm going through a hard time. i'm frustrated. so here i go:
-my church is ending. the church where we found community in greensboro will have its last service on sunday. i know it's for the best. i know it needs to happen. i know god is growing and changing our community through this. but it's hard. i don't like change.
-i miss my sister like crazy. she is far away and i (selfishly) don't like it. i want her here. i want to be able to call her and talk to her. skype is good but still different. and with a big time change it's very hard.
-i want to be planning a trip to europe right now to go see krystal and brad. like really bad. but this seems impossible right now because of finances. not that going to europe when it's not financially smart is a good thing, but i almost feel like if we don't go now we never will, or it will be much, much harder.
-i want to be buying a house too. or at least just getting out of our apartment. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of always hearing footsteps above my head and hearing a drinking/smoking fest right outside my window when i'm trying to go to sleep. but again... money.
-i'm tired of working at starbucks. i want a therapy job but i don't have a license. i'm frustrated and i've hardly looked because i'm so overwhelmed and (probably prematurely) discouraged. a job i really wanted and applied for never called me. i feel perfect for it. i also feel guilty complaining about not having a job when i'm not doing much to change my circumstances. i find starbucks to be exhausting and i feel like i'm never caught up on sleep. so in the afternoons i want to nap and watch HGTV. and then i feel lame and beat myself up for it.
on the bright side my pants are loose and i'm taking better care of myself. josh and i are going to mexico in just over a month (more about that in another post). i know god is teaching me and working in me during this time. i think part of my complaints are directly related to the fact that i'm feeling impatient. god has everything i'm stressed about figured out, and it's going to happen in HIS timing, not mine.
this is random, but friday i spent over $700 getting an oil change and new tires for my never-ending-money-pit-of-a-car. i was irritated, it's one thing after another. but the car is paid off and the mileage is high so we are stuck with it for now. but anyway, josh's uber-generous grandma had given us $500 for christmas, which we did plan to use for tires. and then yesterday i got a $200 reimbursement check in the mail for art supplies i had purchased during my internship, which i had completely forgotten about. i love it that god is in all things.
Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
a new chapter...
things have been kinda tough lately. for one i've been sick, dealing with a sinus infection and blowing my nose constantly for well over a week. ugh. a lot of the things i was excited about accomplishing (like cleaning, organizing, and getting rid of stuff) haven't happened because i haven't felt like doing anything. i did manage to finally get the christmas decorations down on sunday. (yes, i did use the word "excited" because i didn't hardly have time to do any of that last year with my internship and my house needs it bad.) so that's been frustrating.
and now i'm finally done with my internship and the only thing i'm doing is getting more hours at starbucks. yippee. i don't have a grown-up job lined up. and i'm terrified about job hunting. i really don't know why. (i did apply to one place last night, but that's all the progress i've made so far - too busy blowing my nose.) i've been in school for 21 years. i did pretty great at my internship. i'm very professional. and yet i'm terrified. i think it's my old pal "perfectionism" trying to spoil my fun. i'm putting so much pressure on myself to find the job. but truth is, it is hard to get a job right now, especially in my field, especially when you don't have a counseling license. i don't want to settle, but i may need to be okay with the less than ideal job. i am only 26, right?
and along with the job stuff, i'm stressing about the timing of everything big time. to be frank, i have been married for 5 years and josh and i do talk about starting a family. of course that excites me, but i also want it to happen at just the right time. how will starting a career and starting a family work out? what if i don't get maternity leave? what if it takes me a while to find a job and then i start a family and get into a "new mom" rut and i don't put what i spent years (and lots of money) on to use? yada yada yada. too many thoughts!
in all honesty i know that God is in control. i know that his timing is perfect. i know he has the perfect job for me out there. i know that he has called me to be an art therapist and a mom. i know he has called me to trust him. but i'm finding it hard to take all this knowledge and let it change how i actually think and feel - feel patient and hopeful (and at peace where i'm at in this point of my life) instead of stressed and terrified. lord help me.
i will add that i have a wonderful husband who is extremely supportive of me. he wants me to find a job that i love and put my passion to work, but he is also not pressuring me in any way. he knows that job hunting takes time. i love him!
and now i'm finally done with my internship and the only thing i'm doing is getting more hours at starbucks. yippee. i don't have a grown-up job lined up. and i'm terrified about job hunting. i really don't know why. (i did apply to one place last night, but that's all the progress i've made so far - too busy blowing my nose.) i've been in school for 21 years. i did pretty great at my internship. i'm very professional. and yet i'm terrified. i think it's my old pal "perfectionism" trying to spoil my fun. i'm putting so much pressure on myself to find the job. but truth is, it is hard to get a job right now, especially in my field, especially when you don't have a counseling license. i don't want to settle, but i may need to be okay with the less than ideal job. i am only 26, right?
and along with the job stuff, i'm stressing about the timing of everything big time. to be frank, i have been married for 5 years and josh and i do talk about starting a family. of course that excites me, but i also want it to happen at just the right time. how will starting a career and starting a family work out? what if i don't get maternity leave? what if it takes me a while to find a job and then i start a family and get into a "new mom" rut and i don't put what i spent years (and lots of money) on to use? yada yada yada. too many thoughts!
in all honesty i know that God is in control. i know that his timing is perfect. i know he has the perfect job for me out there. i know that he has called me to be an art therapist and a mom. i know he has called me to trust him. but i'm finding it hard to take all this knowledge and let it change how i actually think and feel - feel patient and hopeful (and at peace where i'm at in this point of my life) instead of stressed and terrified. lord help me.
i will add that i have a wonderful husband who is extremely supportive of me. he wants me to find a job that i love and put my passion to work, but he is also not pressuring me in any way. he knows that job hunting takes time. i love him!
Monday, September 12, 2011
never satisfied
i was staring at the broken clock on the wall earlier. it's broke in two ways: it needs new batteries and the time is off (except for twice a day, of course), and the glass (or plastic?) cover is missing, it was broken several years ago. that actually happened when we first moved to columbus (right about 4 years ago now) and my parents came to help us unpack and settle in. i had the clock sitting on the mantle resting up against the wall. my dad accidentally knocked it off or slammed the door a little too hard, and it fell, breaking the cover. for quite a while we had the clock in the closet, it was broken, after all. then when moving to greensboro we decided to put it on the wall in josh's office. a cover is not necessary for a clock to work, right? this got me to thinking about my dad and him accidentally breaking the clock cover. he felt really bad about it, and he even left money for us to go buy a new one. i've spent a good portion of my life questioning my dad's love for me, but i'm realizing now that he has just showed me love in different ways. he was there to help us unpack, and he felt bad about breaking something so trivial. he's a hard worker, and he primarily shows love through work. if you need something fixed, he's your man. as a young girl i wanted a hug and someone who would listen, but that just wasn't really him. and now i'm a woman and i have a wonderful husband who will always give me a hug and listen, but i want him to go take out the trash. why is that?
i think i'll go put new batteries in the clock.
i think i'll go put new batteries in the clock.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
missing out
i stumbled upon this blog post last night, and it really spoke to me about something I struggle with daily: missing out. i hate it. i've always felt this way. like i needed to be a part of everything.
example: when i was younger i remember begging to be a part of my sister's slumber parties. i just had to listen in on their conversations and know what was going on. with my mom's involvement, i was usually able to join the festivities for part of the time, before being sent to my room so that the older girls could be left alone. once i devised a brilliant plan: i pretended to fall asleep, just so i could listen in a little longer! it worked, and i felt so proud of myself. (sorry krystal!)
yes, part of that is just being a younger sister, but it also goes back to my fundamental dislike for all things missing out. i want to read all of the books that come out that everyone talks about (like the help and water for elephants and the girl with the dragon tattoo and the hunger games, all right now) but blame my inability to do so on grad school. this is partially true, but it's also ridiculous to want to read every book just to be in the know. and i feel lame because i haven't traveled all over the world and visited cool places. and i like to know what's going on in the world. and i absolutely hate it when i feel left out of social circles. this has been the biggest struggle for me over the past few years, with moving away from friends multiple times. i still feel a twinge (or more than a twinge really) of jealousy and sadness when i think about my friends in columbus hanging out after church on sunday nights, or hear about a roommate reunion in northern kentucky i can't attend. just these past few weeks my sister and brother-in-law have been at home visiting my parents, and it has been so hard for me to hear about my mom and sister hanging out and doing fun things together.
why all this concern? it sounds like i fear that i will be forgotten if i'm not there. i know this isn't true. and what does this tell me? it tells me i'm finding my identity in other people, their wanting me around and their approval of me, as opposed to in christ. i hate that. i can't be everywhere. i can't do everything. and that's how god designed things. maybe he did that so we'd have no choice BUT to find out identity in him and him alone. finding our approval and identity in others will always fail. people will end up disappointing us, and we will disappoint them. and we can't be everywhere, only god can. and he knows where we are in each moment and he ordained it way ahead of time. i'm sure he wants us to live in that moment and embrace it as a gift from him. writing this doesn't change the fact that i struggle with this, but it does help to get it out. maybe i'm not the only one who feels this way...
surprisingly, i have many more thoughts on this topic, but i'll save them for another post. :)
example: when i was younger i remember begging to be a part of my sister's slumber parties. i just had to listen in on their conversations and know what was going on. with my mom's involvement, i was usually able to join the festivities for part of the time, before being sent to my room so that the older girls could be left alone. once i devised a brilliant plan: i pretended to fall asleep, just so i could listen in a little longer! it worked, and i felt so proud of myself. (sorry krystal!)
yes, part of that is just being a younger sister, but it also goes back to my fundamental dislike for all things missing out. i want to read all of the books that come out that everyone talks about (like the help and water for elephants and the girl with the dragon tattoo and the hunger games, all right now) but blame my inability to do so on grad school. this is partially true, but it's also ridiculous to want to read every book just to be in the know. and i feel lame because i haven't traveled all over the world and visited cool places. and i like to know what's going on in the world. and i absolutely hate it when i feel left out of social circles. this has been the biggest struggle for me over the past few years, with moving away from friends multiple times. i still feel a twinge (or more than a twinge really) of jealousy and sadness when i think about my friends in columbus hanging out after church on sunday nights, or hear about a roommate reunion in northern kentucky i can't attend. just these past few weeks my sister and brother-in-law have been at home visiting my parents, and it has been so hard for me to hear about my mom and sister hanging out and doing fun things together.
why all this concern? it sounds like i fear that i will be forgotten if i'm not there. i know this isn't true. and what does this tell me? it tells me i'm finding my identity in other people, their wanting me around and their approval of me, as opposed to in christ. i hate that. i can't be everywhere. i can't do everything. and that's how god designed things. maybe he did that so we'd have no choice BUT to find out identity in him and him alone. finding our approval and identity in others will always fail. people will end up disappointing us, and we will disappoint them. and we can't be everywhere, only god can. and he knows where we are in each moment and he ordained it way ahead of time. i'm sure he wants us to live in that moment and embrace it as a gift from him. writing this doesn't change the fact that i struggle with this, but it does help to get it out. maybe i'm not the only one who feels this way...
surprisingly, i have many more thoughts on this topic, but i'll save them for another post. :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
why me?
today i'm having one of those "why me!?" sort of days - the long ones where all you want to do is go back to sleep but you have to just keep trudging along, pitying yourself randomly throughout the day. i worked from 5-ll this morning. getting up at 4:30 is never fun, especially after a long day at your internship and evening at small group the day before, and the fact that your body can only fall asleep so early. then i came home briefly and then headed to the mitsubishi dealership in highpoint, about a 30 minute drive. this is becoming quite the regular occurrence because, since paying off the montero in the spring, pretty much everything (okay, that's an exaggeration) has decided to go out at the same time - breaks (expensive), O2 sensors (very expensive), air conditioning (very expensive - still not fixed), etc. i'm tired of spending my afternoons at a car dealership! and did you know that north carolina requires inspections before you can re-register your car after moving from out of state? they do! and boy are they a pain! our registration was due in august, and you can't pass an inspection with a check engine light on, hence the large amounts of money and afternoons in a waiting room... so, i am PRAYING that the other O2 sensors hold out long enough for me to pass an inspection (we've had 2 of 4 replaced) and i am PRAYING that cops are nice if/when they pull me over within the next day or so. AND, while waiting at the dealership, i found out that someone had gotten my debit card and used it on "adult" websites! ugh! luckily wachovia is on top of things and i should be getting a new card soon, but it's still a pain to not have a debit card (especially when you and your spouse have been totally slacking on all things dave ramsey and not carrying cash!). fortunately josh was not 2 hours away and could bring me some cash to the dealership so i could pay them. i've also had a stomach ache and generally felt pretty crappy throughout the day. and i thought my best friend was pregnant and i found out on fb. (luckily that wasn't true but i did cry over it.) and i had one of those, "i'm-horrible-at-this-i-can't-follow-anything!" nights at zumba. (i had never been to that instructor). and so on and so on.
but throughout the day, i have thought, "why on earth am i pitying myself over such trivial things!?!" i am so blessed to have a car (that despite its issues has always gotten me from A to B). and i have a job. and i have money to pay for car repairs, even though it's getting tight around here! so many people would love to have the things i am complaining about! and all around me i know people with serious health problems, serious, big issues going on. my exhaustion and complaints are nothing in comparison to that. so, i guess i just needed to have a little confession to God, and to my blog, apparently! on that note, please say a prayer for my cousins who lost their dad in a horrible car accident over the weekend. the funeral was today.
but throughout the day, i have thought, "why on earth am i pitying myself over such trivial things!?!" i am so blessed to have a car (that despite its issues has always gotten me from A to B). and i have a job. and i have money to pay for car repairs, even though it's getting tight around here! so many people would love to have the things i am complaining about! and all around me i know people with serious health problems, serious, big issues going on. my exhaustion and complaints are nothing in comparison to that. so, i guess i just needed to have a little confession to God, and to my blog, apparently! on that note, please say a prayer for my cousins who lost their dad in a horrible car accident over the weekend. the funeral was today.
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