written 7/22
well these couple weeks have gone pretty well, i guess. i'm questioning lots of things about how i'm feeling and what i'm doing. ah the new anxieties that come with feeling completely and utterly responsible for a new life. i'm feeling nauseous and hungry quite a bit, which leads me to feel like i'm over-eating and just getting fat. "they" say you shouldn't really start showing until 12 weeks, but i feel like that's going to happen sooner. and "they" say you should only gain about 3 pounds in your first trimester, and i'm pretty sure i'm going to blow that out of the water. i seriously feel so hungry! is that normal!? my baby is tiny! how is it so hungry!? anyway, i'm trying to not freak out and just listen to my body, because that's the best thing to do, right? even if i gain 50 pounds (god willing that won't happen!) it will be worth it if the end result is a healthy baby, and hopefully i will lose it quickly with breast feeding, right?
anyway, i guess the main complaint is the nausea and hunger right now. that and feeling totally exhausted. and emotional. and maybe moody. so maybe i'm just whining? but regardless of all of this i'm so excited to be pregnant! we've told our immediate families and a few close friends at this point and they've all been so excited. i think a lot of people knew we were "ready" for a baby (we have been married 5 1/2 years and i FINALLY finished school in january) so i won't say anyone is shocked - but definitely excited. telling people does make me a little nervous - what if something goes wrong? - but at the same time i know people will support us no matter what and i don't feel like life was meant to be lived alone. i know that no matter what happens god is in control. that's what matters.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
pregnancy diaries: the beginning
written 7/17
well, i'm super excited to announce that i am expecting a baby, due march 2013! you saw the pic. anyway, getting pregnant has not been as easy as i thought it would be, and there have definitely been a series of several disappointments since the beginning of this year. i know six months of trying is NOTHING compared to many people, and i'm so thankful that the lord has blessed me in this way. i'm not taking this for granted for a moment and i'm constantly praying for the health of my tiny baby. i'm nervous and feeling like crap and experiencing all those other wonderful pregnancy symptoms. but i wanted to back up and chronicle this experience from the very beginning so i'll have record of such an exciting time in my life!
i began suspecting that i might be pregnant several weeks ago, pretty much immediately after it actually happened actually. i was feeling quite exhausted and had a couple other small symptoms, but i never said anything about it to josh or anyone because i didn't want to get my hopes up and be disappointed again. (this has definitely happened a few times in the past several months - chemical pregnancies, i think.) i held off as long as i could on taking a test, until i felt like i was sufficiently late. finally on saturday july 14th, i peed on the stick , and lo and behold, two little lines popped up! i was ecstatic and completely in shock at the same time! after several minutes of shock i took the test out and held it out to josh, who was sitting in his recliner playing monopoly on his ipad. apparently he had no idea what a pregnancy test looks like because he grabbed it, said, "what's this?", and immediately dropped (an accident) it and picked it back up. i stood there rolling my eyes waiting for him to figure it out. eventually it registered what he was holding and he looked at me and said, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!?" i stood there smiling and nodding, with tears of joy filling my eyes. he got up and gave me a hug, both of us just standing there silently trying to grasp the reality of the situation.
josh, being the problem solver that he is, was discussing paternity leave, baby names, and finances within minutes. it was so cute. the next two nights he made me dinner and has been completely adorable. he even brought me flowers and a card! the message read: "i am very excited to start a family with you and i know that you will be an amazing mom! i'm looking forward to the next chapter of our life with kids. however, you will always be my first love. i love you so much!" sorry ladies, he's taken! and he's constantly asking me if he can get me anything and how i'm feeling. speaking of that, i've been feeling like crap. nauseous during the day, bad cramps at night. i'm hungry and thirsty. and my sense of smell is really good now! anyway, there's much more to come! i hope you'll enjoy this journey with me!
i began suspecting that i might be pregnant several weeks ago, pretty much immediately after it actually happened actually. i was feeling quite exhausted and had a couple other small symptoms, but i never said anything about it to josh or anyone because i didn't want to get my hopes up and be disappointed again. (this has definitely happened a few times in the past several months - chemical pregnancies, i think.) i held off as long as i could on taking a test, until i felt like i was sufficiently late. finally on saturday july 14th, i peed on the stick , and lo and behold, two little lines popped up! i was ecstatic and completely in shock at the same time! after several minutes of shock i took the test out and held it out to josh, who was sitting in his recliner playing monopoly on his ipad. apparently he had no idea what a pregnancy test looks like because he grabbed it, said, "what's this?", and immediately dropped (an accident) it and picked it back up. i stood there rolling my eyes waiting for him to figure it out. eventually it registered what he was holding and he looked at me and said, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!?" i stood there smiling and nodding, with tears of joy filling my eyes. he got up and gave me a hug, both of us just standing there silently trying to grasp the reality of the situation.
josh, being the problem solver that he is, was discussing paternity leave, baby names, and finances within minutes. it was so cute. the next two nights he made me dinner and has been completely adorable. he even brought me flowers and a card! the message read: "i am very excited to start a family with you and i know that you will be an amazing mom! i'm looking forward to the next chapter of our life with kids. however, you will always be my first love. i love you so much!" sorry ladies, he's taken! and he's constantly asking me if he can get me anything and how i'm feeling. speaking of that, i've been feeling like crap. nauseous during the day, bad cramps at night. i'm hungry and thirsty. and my sense of smell is really good now! anyway, there's much more to come! i hope you'll enjoy this journey with me!
 |
| it's faint but it's there! |
Monday, September 10, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
look who's back again...
my big fat greek wedding, anyone?
it's true, i suck at this whole blogging thing. to the two of you who read this (especially krystal), i'm going to try really hard to get better at it. i promise. they say if you're going to be really awesome at blogging you should blog everyday. i just don't feel like i can be one of those people. so i guess my alternative is every few months? not really, that's stupid. anyway, if you were concerned, you really haven't missed much. the big change in my life is that i got a real grown-up job! yay! i have a desk and a descent paycheck and everything! woohoo! i'm now working as an intensive in home therapist for therapeutic alternatives. i'm working with kids and teens and their families - going into their homes and providing therapy, psychoeducation, and case management. all the kids have a mental health diagnosis (typically depression, bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder, schizoaffective disorder, etc.) and many have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse. it's definitely a challenging job but i'm so excited about working with youth again. i've been doing a lot of training and i will finally being doing visits on my own this week. yippee!
again, i'm going to work really hard at being better at this! say a prayer for me!
it's true, i suck at this whole blogging thing. to the two of you who read this (especially krystal), i'm going to try really hard to get better at it. i promise. they say if you're going to be really awesome at blogging you should blog everyday. i just don't feel like i can be one of those people. so i guess my alternative is every few months? not really, that's stupid. anyway, if you were concerned, you really haven't missed much. the big change in my life is that i got a real grown-up job! yay! i have a desk and a descent paycheck and everything! woohoo! i'm now working as an intensive in home therapist for therapeutic alternatives. i'm working with kids and teens and their families - going into their homes and providing therapy, psychoeducation, and case management. all the kids have a mental health diagnosis (typically depression, bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder, schizoaffective disorder, etc.) and many have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse. it's definitely a challenging job but i'm so excited about working with youth again. i've been doing a lot of training and i will finally being doing visits on my own this week. yippee!
again, i'm going to work really hard at being better at this! say a prayer for me!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
lately...
lately i've been thinking a lot about...
... lent and what that looks like. i haven't decided to give up something this year, and i'm clearly running late now, but i've been thinking about it a lot. i don't think giving up chocolate or coffee will make me a better christian. it's not even about that. lent is a time to think about and prepare for easter, to remember what God did when he gave up his son as a sacrifice for our sins, right? so how can i live that out during this time? we are to offer ourselves as living sacrifices, so how do i do that? anything i could offer would be nothing in comparison to what God has done for me, so where do i even begin? i think it has to be about my heart and how i spend my time. am i living each moment for God's glory? am i giving him praise for each moment that he has blessed me with? am i giving up my time and my money to help others? if someone saw my life from the outside would they even know that i'm a christian, or am i just another nice person pursuing the american dream?
... the glory of god compared to me. my small group has started a study on Crazy Love. have you read it? it's pretty interesting so far. not necessarily new information, but often forgotten information. the first chapter is about God's immense glory and how we approach him. we often forget about how truly holy god is and approach him like he's our buddy. i think there is a place for this natural relationship with god, but really, God IS so holy that it is ONLY through christ's sacrifice that we can approach him. the old testament has multiple stories of people who got too close to God and died. isaiah lived and his response was, "woe is me." solomen said to "let your words be few" when you approach God. instead of approaching God like he's a genie and just listing off what i'd like, i need to remember who i'm approaching, how holy and separate he is from me, how it is only through christ that i can approach him. the beginning of the lord's prayer says it all. it starts off by saying that God is separate from me (in heaven), and his name is holy. then it doesn't say ask god for what you want, but instead, that God's will would be done.
ok, i've been thinking about a lot more than that, but i'm tired and i have to work at 5am!
... lent and what that looks like. i haven't decided to give up something this year, and i'm clearly running late now, but i've been thinking about it a lot. i don't think giving up chocolate or coffee will make me a better christian. it's not even about that. lent is a time to think about and prepare for easter, to remember what God did when he gave up his son as a sacrifice for our sins, right? so how can i live that out during this time? we are to offer ourselves as living sacrifices, so how do i do that? anything i could offer would be nothing in comparison to what God has done for me, so where do i even begin? i think it has to be about my heart and how i spend my time. am i living each moment for God's glory? am i giving him praise for each moment that he has blessed me with? am i giving up my time and my money to help others? if someone saw my life from the outside would they even know that i'm a christian, or am i just another nice person pursuing the american dream?
... the glory of god compared to me. my small group has started a study on Crazy Love. have you read it? it's pretty interesting so far. not necessarily new information, but often forgotten information. the first chapter is about God's immense glory and how we approach him. we often forget about how truly holy god is and approach him like he's our buddy. i think there is a place for this natural relationship with god, but really, God IS so holy that it is ONLY through christ's sacrifice that we can approach him. the old testament has multiple stories of people who got too close to God and died. isaiah lived and his response was, "woe is me." solomen said to "let your words be few" when you approach God. instead of approaching God like he's a genie and just listing off what i'd like, i need to remember who i'm approaching, how holy and separate he is from me, how it is only through christ that i can approach him. the beginning of the lord's prayer says it all. it starts off by saying that God is separate from me (in heaven), and his name is holy. then it doesn't say ask god for what you want, but instead, that God's will would be done.
ok, i've been thinking about a lot more than that, but i'm tired and i have to work at 5am!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
mandala workshop
i'm a little late in posting this, but better late than never!
last saturday i attended an art therapy/mandala workshop here in greensboro. i was originally scheduled to work when i heard about the workshop, but i decided to jump on the chance to attend something art therapy related in greensboro. when i arrived i realized most everyone was over 60. many were there just to nourish their inner artist, but there were some more middle aged professionals. of course i ended up at a table with two of the oldest people there - no networking for me, i thought! well, the workshop presenter turned out to be adorable and very knowledgable. she is a jungian-oriented art therapist who has extensively studied and practiced mandalas. you can explore her website here. during the first part of the workshop we had time to create and interpret our own mandalas. here's mine:
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
last saturday i attended an art therapy/mandala workshop here in greensboro. i was originally scheduled to work when i heard about the workshop, but i decided to jump on the chance to attend something art therapy related in greensboro. when i arrived i realized most everyone was over 60. many were there just to nourish their inner artist, but there were some more middle aged professionals. of course i ended up at a table with two of the oldest people there - no networking for me, i thought! well, the workshop presenter turned out to be adorable and very knowledgable. she is a jungian-oriented art therapist who has extensively studied and practiced mandalas. you can explore her website here. during the first part of the workshop we had time to create and interpret our own mandalas. here's mine:
of course most everything on my mind that day was job hunting, and i was hoping to get some guidance from the experience. in my mandala i saw that my journey was being supported and literally held in God's hands. i already knew this, but the visual representation was reassuring and comforting. a lady at my table said when she saw mine she immediately thought "wind that will take me wherever i want to go!" how nice! of course you may see something totally different, but that's the joy of art!
in the second part of the workshop we did a much more complicated (and wordy) mandala exploring an area of conflict or concern, in which you identified what you thought, felt, sensed, and intuitively knew about the topic, and then made several interpretations from there. i won't go into all the details, but i did gain a lot of insight into my stressed state about job hunting. i intuitively know that i am called to be an art therapist and i WILL find a job. but my thoughts/inner dialogue has been primarily discouraging, not hopeful. i think i've been putting too much emphasis on what i've been sensing (in this case hearing): hearing from discouraged classmates about looking for a job for a long time, hearing about a bad economy, hearing about needing a license, etc. yes, maybe these things are true, but they haven't actually been my experience. i've only been a graduate for a few weeks! so why am i discouraged!? things take time, and finding the right job will be no different. i need to trust what i intuitively know instead of what i've been doing, which is freaking out, of course. my challenge is to keep working hard at job hunting and not give up or let the discouragement (coming from my own head or elsewhere) paralyze my efforts!
in addition to all of this, i was able to network with some professional art therapists in the area too! yippee! at the end of the day, i was so glad i attended this workshop.
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
keeping it real
i'm feeling inspired to keep things real around here, because i hate when everything gets sugar-coated and pleasantries are exchanged and the real meat of life is ignored. this is my blog and this i how i feel. rational or not. i feel like things are difficult lately. i'm feeling like i'm going through a hard time. i'm frustrated. so here i go:
-my church is ending. the church where we found community in greensboro will have its last service on sunday. i know it's for the best. i know it needs to happen. i know god is growing and changing our community through this. but it's hard. i don't like change.
-i miss my sister like crazy. she is far away and i (selfishly) don't like it. i want her here. i want to be able to call her and talk to her. skype is good but still different. and with a big time change it's very hard.
-i want to be planning a trip to europe right now to go see krystal and brad. like really bad. but this seems impossible right now because of finances. not that going to europe when it's not financially smart is a good thing, but i almost feel like if we don't go now we never will, or it will be much, much harder.
-i want to be buying a house too. or at least just getting out of our apartment. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of always hearing footsteps above my head and hearing a drinking/smoking fest right outside my window when i'm trying to go to sleep. but again... money.
-i'm tired of working at starbucks. i want a therapy job but i don't have a license. i'm frustrated and i've hardly looked because i'm so overwhelmed and (probably prematurely) discouraged. a job i really wanted and applied for never called me. i feel perfect for it. i also feel guilty complaining about not having a job when i'm not doing much to change my circumstances. i find starbucks to be exhausting and i feel like i'm never caught up on sleep. so in the afternoons i want to nap and watch HGTV. and then i feel lame and beat myself up for it.
on the bright side my pants are loose and i'm taking better care of myself. josh and i are going to mexico in just over a month (more about that in another post). i know god is teaching me and working in me during this time. i think part of my complaints are directly related to the fact that i'm feeling impatient. god has everything i'm stressed about figured out, and it's going to happen in HIS timing, not mine.
this is random, but friday i spent over $700 getting an oil change and new tires for my never-ending-money-pit-of-a-car. i was irritated, it's one thing after another. but the car is paid off and the mileage is high so we are stuck with it for now. but anyway, josh's uber-generous grandma had given us $500 for christmas, which we did plan to use for tires. and then yesterday i got a $200 reimbursement check in the mail for art supplies i had purchased during my internship, which i had completely forgotten about. i love it that god is in all things.
-my church is ending. the church where we found community in greensboro will have its last service on sunday. i know it's for the best. i know it needs to happen. i know god is growing and changing our community through this. but it's hard. i don't like change.
-i miss my sister like crazy. she is far away and i (selfishly) don't like it. i want her here. i want to be able to call her and talk to her. skype is good but still different. and with a big time change it's very hard.
-i want to be planning a trip to europe right now to go see krystal and brad. like really bad. but this seems impossible right now because of finances. not that going to europe when it's not financially smart is a good thing, but i almost feel like if we don't go now we never will, or it will be much, much harder.
-i want to be buying a house too. or at least just getting out of our apartment. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of always hearing footsteps above my head and hearing a drinking/smoking fest right outside my window when i'm trying to go to sleep. but again... money.
-i'm tired of working at starbucks. i want a therapy job but i don't have a license. i'm frustrated and i've hardly looked because i'm so overwhelmed and (probably prematurely) discouraged. a job i really wanted and applied for never called me. i feel perfect for it. i also feel guilty complaining about not having a job when i'm not doing much to change my circumstances. i find starbucks to be exhausting and i feel like i'm never caught up on sleep. so in the afternoons i want to nap and watch HGTV. and then i feel lame and beat myself up for it.
on the bright side my pants are loose and i'm taking better care of myself. josh and i are going to mexico in just over a month (more about that in another post). i know god is teaching me and working in me during this time. i think part of my complaints are directly related to the fact that i'm feeling impatient. god has everything i'm stressed about figured out, and it's going to happen in HIS timing, not mine.
this is random, but friday i spent over $700 getting an oil change and new tires for my never-ending-money-pit-of-a-car. i was irritated, it's one thing after another. but the car is paid off and the mileage is high so we are stuck with it for now. but anyway, josh's uber-generous grandma had given us $500 for christmas, which we did plan to use for tires. and then yesterday i got a $200 reimbursement check in the mail for art supplies i had purchased during my internship, which i had completely forgotten about. i love it that god is in all things.
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