missing out

i stumbled upon this blog post last night, and it really spoke to me about something I struggle with daily: missing out. i hate it. i've always felt this way. like i needed to be a part of everything.

example: when i was younger i remember begging to be a part of my sister's slumber parties. i just had to listen in on their conversations and know what was going on. with my mom's involvement, i was usually able to join the festivities for part of the time, before being sent to my room so that the older girls could be left alone. once i devised a brilliant plan: i pretended to fall asleep, just so i could listen in a little longer! it worked, and i felt so proud of myself. (sorry krystal!)

yes, part of that is just being a younger sister, but it also goes back to my fundamental dislike for all things missing out. i want to read all of the books that come out that everyone talks about (like the help and water for elephants and the girl with the dragon tattoo and the hunger games, all right now) but blame my inability to do so on grad school. this is partially true, but it's also ridiculous to want to read every book just to be in the know. and i feel lame because i haven't traveled all over the world and visited cool places. and i like to know what's going on in the world. and i absolutely hate it when i feel left out of social circles. this has been the biggest struggle for me over the past few years, with moving away from friends multiple times. i still feel a twinge (or more than a twinge really) of jealousy and sadness when i think about my friends in columbus hanging out after church on sunday nights, or hear about a roommate reunion in northern kentucky i can't attend. just these past few weeks my sister and brother-in-law have been at home visiting my parents, and it has been so hard for me to hear about my mom and sister hanging out and doing fun things together.

why all this concern? it sounds like i fear that i will be forgotten if i'm not there. i know this isn't true. and what does this tell me? it tells me i'm finding my identity in other people, their wanting me around and their approval of me, as opposed to in christ. i hate that. i can't be everywhere. i can't do everything. and that's how god designed things. maybe he did that so we'd have no choice BUT to find out identity in him and him alone. finding our approval and identity in others will always fail. people will end up disappointing us, and we will disappoint them. and we can't be everywhere, only god can. and he knows where we are in each moment and he ordained it way ahead of time. i'm sure he wants us to live in that moment and embrace it as a gift from him. writing this doesn't change the fact that i struggle with this, but it does help to get it out. maybe i'm not the only one who feels this way...

surprisingly, i have many more thoughts on this topic, but i'll save them for another post. :)